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I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that.
If men could have multiple orgasms, lotions would cost more than an iPhone.
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
I don`t have ADD. It`s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I`m so ghetto.... I had lights and water bill in my name before the age of 3..
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and my number of friends.
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
Tony Soprano dead....Whitey Bulger on trial...coincidence??? I think not!
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice!
My "To Do" list today only had one entry: "Nothing". And it took me all day to finish it!
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
I don`t have a drinking problem. If anything, I`m TOO good at it.
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING