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What is it about paper towels that makes me always want to use more than one?
Note to Denver Broncos: Marijuana is NOT a performance enhancing drug!
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
drink beer ?? save water
I`m watching Godzilla tonight.... His parents asked me to babysit
I’m in no shape to exercise.
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
I`m not antisocial. I`m pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.
Why do they call a status a status if it already happened? I mean, shouldnt it be called History?
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
Please don`t come to my garage sale if you`ve ever let me borrow something.
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"