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I`m not impatient. You`re just slow.
Perhaps Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
Ladies, life is short. So buy the shoes!
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
Everyone is gifted......But not everyone opens their present
It`s 2014 and somehow we still don`t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
We all have faults. It`s just that mine are better than yours.
Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
I`m giving up procrastination for Lent ... starting tomorrow.
When I first went on the pill, I put on some weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.
Given enough coffee, I believe I could rule the world.