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Don`t play stupid with me! I`m better at it.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich?
Happy Wednesday 2014 Everyone!
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore.
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
The awkward moment when you set something down for a second and it disappears off the face of the earth.
Facebook: an alternative to drunk dialing.
Oh well, this time isn`t going to procrastinate itself.
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
Was just thinking …. What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
Cops love donuts…. just not when you do them on a four lane highway.
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead!
I called McDonald`s to make a reservation for Valentine`s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone.