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I want to meet myself from someone else’s point of view.
Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
I’m shy at first, but once I’m comfortable with you get ready for some crazy sh!t.
Sex is great, but.....Have you ever had stuffed crust pizza?!?!
Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
The phrase "don`t take this the wrong way" has zero % success rate
You will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
Funny how drinking 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers, and 6 shots, go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
I`ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
thinks that life was a lot simpler when I thought girls had cooties, and getting to the bottom of the sandbox was a good day.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked ... So did all the other people at the post office.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.