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Funniest thing ever heard on TV. "Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night"
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
BEST PICK UP LINE: You would probably sleep better tonight if we had sex.
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Never make decisions when you are angry....or horny.
Never fight anyone who bows to you first.
At the start of every relationship many girls treat their boys as a GOD but later the alphabets are reversed
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.
I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction!
"LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can`t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.
I hate people who take drugs ... Customs for example.
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.
Well, if you`re going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.
I can’t remember ever being told I’m a bad listener