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I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won`t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
Every day I struggle between “I wanna look good naked” and “treat yourself.”
It`s always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
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It’s too bad that it’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Don’t compare yourself to others, that’s when you start to lose confidence in yourself.
If the breakfast club took place now, all those kids would just be silently texting about their sh!tty Saturday & never make friends w/ each other.
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes……how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?