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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
Wow!!! Thank you guy on Facebook I went to high school with and haven`t spoken to in 14 years, you really changed my mind about this upcoming election....
For the first time in my years of working I have been hard at work all day......dammm those pills!!!!
I didn`t see anyone important today so I`m going to wear the same clothes tomorrow.
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
I think eating is my kind of sport.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
I don`t really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids` history textbooks.
The Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I`m thinking taco cart...
I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
“Nothing is impossible.” I disagree. I’m doing nothing right now… it’s totally possible.
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..