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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
It is hard to imagine how people showed their anger before doors were invented.
I was feeling down...then all of a sudden I felt myself up. Win, win situation! ;)
wants my 260 FB friends to know I love you all..except #193
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
Hey mother in law.... Don`t tell me how to raise my kids. Im still trying to raise yours.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a sexy beast.
This post was going to be really funny but I didn`t write it down because I was totally sure I`d remember it.
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.