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Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
Why I don’t like people: 1% logical reasons. 99% just because.
I love tan lines... it`s like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone I will look at them shocked and just quietly whisper.... "You can see me?"
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
You can´t trust dogs to watch your food.
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember all the things I was suppose to do.
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
I know 3 facts about you: 1.You can’t say ‘M’ without your lips touching. 2.You’re trying it now looking like an idiot. 3. Now you’re smiling
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
Looks don’t matter to me if you’re attractive.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a "Clear History" button.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch
Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is