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I`m not saying I`m lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my car so I just wrote back "nah"
Don`t ever forget.. I`m always here. A l w a y s. Scrolling. Judging. Judging. Scrolling. That`s right. I see everything.
Telling a girl to calm down is like trying to baptize a cat.
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
Are you bored? Head over to Walmart, go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, `Hey! There`s no toilet paper in here.`
Dog Found: Now we are bros, so he`s staying. Don`t call, don`t make it weird.
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women hahaha
If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
"I`m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back." ----people in wheelchairs probably
Kids these days with their high tech cell phones. They will never get the experience of being stuck in a tree and not knowing if anyone is coming to help. Oh, and could someone come and set my ladder back up so I can get down.
I´m playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they´ll never find me, because they aren´t old enough to drive or get into this bar.
My friend said the only vegetable that could make him cry was an onion. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.
If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not your true friends.