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Coffee...Meet your Maker!
I will never be to old to laugh when somone farts in a public bathroom peeing..
I`m so unlucky with women? I visited a massage parlour the other day..and they told me it was "self - service"
I´m on a whisky diet. I´ve lost three days already!
Life is a constant battle between my love of food & not wanting to get fat.
That Awkward Moment when you’re being sarcastic and someone believes you.
Did you know you can buy live lobsters? Anyway, can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters.
Our neighbor said he wouldn`t mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.
I think I`m funny - but looks aren`t everything
True self control is waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn.
This is supposed to be funny but I got nothing but do me a favour and like this...Yeah, okay, IM DESPERATE -.-
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.
iTunes got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....