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Summer is here. I`m in the process of moving all my bad habits outside.
Let`s simplify this. Deliver a pizza to me every night unless I call.
“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there`s a movie I`d pay to see.
I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like...propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA
Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.
When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up.
When my kids grow up, I’m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I’m bored & then just leave!
Women are so silly sometimes, thinking men actually care if they fake it.
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
I took a 5hr energy today. they`re right about being able to multitask because it made me puke and poop at the sametime..
Really, 6 more inches of snow today. My front yard is getting more action than me.
I dont have awkward moments I have "special" moments.e.g That "special" moment when my "special" ex learns that karma exist..