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Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
Be friend with stupid people.., feel like genius all the time
Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body!
Gray hair is the human body`s equivalent of low toner.
Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
I`m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
Lazy Rule#15325434090371466: you`re so lazy you didn`t even finish reading the number.
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.