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I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
If you feel down because you had a bad day! Chin up! Tomorrow is another day and the worst has yet to come!
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
If I had a dollar for everytime i thought of you, I would start thinking about you!
Maybe there`s no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.
If you`ve Liked more than 15 of my posts over the past year, I assume you`re okay with me putting you down as a personal reference on this job application, k?
Getting back with your ex is pretty much the same as taking a shower, getting out, and putting back on the same old dirty underwear.
The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!
It`s Sunday or as I like to call it, "No pants day".
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm
I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.
Dear wind, what has my hair ever done to you?