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I’m a proud supporter of messy hair and sweatpants.
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.
In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.
Dear Mother Nature, I would like to cancel my monthly subscription please… Urs Sincerely, 100% OF ALL WOMEN IN THE WORLD!
I`m just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I`m unlucky enough to be a part of
I`m not "rich" ... But, actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you`re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I know I`m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
No matter which path you choose, there will always be some asshole in front of you trying to make a left.
Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.
Juvenile humor My friend David lost his ID. We just call him Dav now. Here`s your sign..................
"People should just mind their own business," probably the funniest thing I`ve ever read on a social networking site.
I wouldn`t mind all the penis enlargement emails if they weren`t coming from my wife.