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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
I love you with all my thighs. I would say my heart, but my thighs are much bigger.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now.
I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach and hardcore pornography.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
I am losing Facebook friends at an alarming rate. Whatever it is that I said, is working like a charm.
If all the worlds a stage and the men and women merely players, how come Justin Bieber gets all the airtime?
I only have a kitchen because it came with the house.
Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don`t apply the brakes
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It`s not like a murderer will come in thinking "I`m gonna ki..- ahh damn! He`s under a blanket
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
In your face with a can of mace, make you cry all over the place!!