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Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
I don`t play sports, the only sport I play is shopping. But there`s a lot of walking involved in that. Running sometimes if there`s a sale.
Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don`t quote me!
Christmas is just like any other day in the workplace, you work your butt off and the fat guy with a suit gets all the credit.
I`ll bet other dogs must think that poodles belong to some weird religious cult.
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
I`m going to propose with a mood ring so I can easily see a measurement of how excited she really is.
The skeletons in your closet are suggesting that you upgrade to a double wide, walk-in.
Keep honking. I´m reloading.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
50% of people believe sex is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are men.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"