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This salad is delicious, probably because it`s a donut.
Prostitution must be a hole sale business.
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
You think you are too small to make a difference? then you have never spent a single night with a mosquito.
Picking and choosing who to say happy birthday to since 2006, thanks Facebook!
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I`m still putting butter on them!!
Home is where you can say anything you want, because nobody listens to you anyway.
I read in the Bible that people used to get stoned to death, that`s a lot of weed.
You couldn`t handle me even if I came with instructions.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
Did you know you can go to any gym without having to announce it on Facebook?
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with hope that it might magically solve her problems.