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My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
Enough with the lies, people who drink decaf coffee, tell us what your game plan is.
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
is not impatient. I just patient really fast.
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
Proposing to a woman isn`t like choosing a life-long business partner. It`s more like hiring your own boss.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!