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You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.
I know you`re the instructor but I`ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day. This is doubly true if you are a man.
Nice meeting you, but I forgot your name as soon as you said it...
....so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
I recently jumped on the back of my psychologist and started counting...1...2...3 and he was so suprised asking me what I was doing and I answered offendedly: "Well you`re the one who said I could always count on you !"
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.
Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
people say nobody`s perfect..i made nobody!..
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.
I can`t take this long distance relationship anymore.. Fridge, you`re coming to my room.