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Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
Separating the men from the boys, one mood swing at a time.
I dont want to sound like a badass or anything but I play Wii without the wrist strap on....
If you don`t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you`re probably the boss
Life is what happens when you’re not looking at a screen.
Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we`re together now.
If your talking behind my back then guess what? Your in a pretty good position to kiss my a$$!!!!
Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I`ve been using them for all this time?
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He`s obviously an undercover cop.
F*ck you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.
I love watching women`s beach volleyball. There have been two wrist injuries so far, but I should be ok by next week.