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(For women only) Wants to go on the Maury Povich show and hear, "You are NOT the mother!"
Never judge a man ’till you’ve driven a mile with his wife.
Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
Turns out Xenophobia is not `A fear of Warrior Princesses`
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.
Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"
The ultimate home security system is having crappy stuff.
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
Every girl is beautiful, sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it....
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!