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I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
I hate it when teachers say, “You think it’s funny?” Obviously it is, if it wasn’t I wouldn’t be laughing
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
*uses Ouija board* NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Every have one of those moments where you look at yourself in the mirror and think "Damn if I weren`t me, I`d totally hit that."
I`m convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
Once you have to start paying a babysitter every time you go out, you realize most friendships aren`t worth it.
I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers.
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.