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Having a favorite homeless person is weird, right?
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Why is there a Stairway to heaven and a highway to hell? There is a lot more traffic going to hell
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
When in darkness, pray. If you pray and nothing happens, I think it is the high time you paid your electricity bill.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God...just texted her and said "I saw that"
I don`t post a lot of personal statuses - but when I do it`s all about you ..
When you`re down about your body image just type "fat people" into Google images, always makes me feel better!:)
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that I trick people into thinking we already talked.
A nice kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette and told him so was talking to strangers.
Stop procrastinating. Join Hokey Pokey Anonymous today and turn that life around!
Sometimes, I think I`m a genius. Then I realize I`ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.
A cop pulled me over and said ``Papers...`` So I said, ``Scissors, I win!`` and drove off like a boss!
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes