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So I´ve narrowed it down and I´m either gonna start a motorcycle gang or take a nap.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
Friend: Hey that`s a great truck. what kinda engine? Me: [rubbing the hood] it`s got a truck engine
I`m starting to think that life isn`t worth living anymore and... Oh wait, there`s the bartender now. Nevermind.
Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table "are you done with that?" Especially when he`s breaking up with his girlfriend.
I have just one thing to ask you people who say the memory is the first thing to go: What did I come in here for?
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Reasons to get out of bed: None.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!