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My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
I`m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
I`m trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram, so I`m not going to eat anymore.
Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I`m not opposed to manscaping, but I don`t see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.
When it gets nice out I`m going to have a roof party and after that`s done have a painting party inside, come all
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don`t have Cancer! Me: So it`s working...