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I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
I hate when I`m on Facebook and I`m rudly interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield
You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I`m like that, but with salad.
I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.
I’m taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.
Facebook, the lost and found for people. . .
I have a black belt in leather
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
Saying a prayer for all the turkeys today. Also the single people with concerned relatives.
Apparently “finders keepers” does not include expensive cars in parking lots.