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Today: I`m going to be understanding, productive, and nice. WHAT? Stop laughing! I`m serious!
Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
Let`s run away together.. Lol jk, I don`t run anywhere.
The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
Some women need to realize that showing cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
Do you know what this house is missing? A box of $#!+, Let`s get a cat.
This sushi restaurant has the worst service. "Sir, this is an aquarium"
Immature is just a word boring people use to describe fun people.
If you hold a 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.
Nice try, self-checkout lane. There`s not even any mirrors.
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.