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I spend most of my money on beer and cigarettes.. The rest I just waste.
Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
Night people could take over the world if we weren’t so busy finding something good on TV.
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
Rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don`t they?
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
My life is a very complicated drinking game
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
If anybody out there happens to have my voodoo doll, can u please scratch my balls. I happe to be in a public place at the moment.
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
I just don`t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.