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Alcoholic? No. Self-appointed booze quality control technician? Yes.
My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I`ll never know.
I wish the buck stopped here…I could use a few.
Inviting a friend to play Candy Crush Saga is like hosting an intervention and providing the crack.
since when was it cool to have an iPhone at the age of 10.. i sincerely hope those parents know what they`ve done.
10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you’ve got them.
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
I guess I need to buy some new drink coasters because I finally ran out of AOL free trial CDs.
I`m 50% sure this cross eyed guy is starring at my tits.
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.