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I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Now what`s funny is "Si" from Duck Dynasty
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
I don`t get personal trainers. I`ve never been exercising and thought "man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."
If I ran my legs as much as I did my mouth, I`d be in fantastic shape.
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I heard Disney bought and are relocating the White House to Disneyland. They Say, it will be the new Center Piece of FANTASY LAND.
All my life I`ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.
is here. Now what are your other two wishes?
Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn`t pay their wifi bill.