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We`ve all been talking about your paranoia.
I hate situations where I have to acknowledge the people I had been successfully ignoring.
Shhh...you had me at "alcohol may intensify effect..."
It`s really quite simple ... I do what I want! ... The End.
Not sure what to do with all the daylight we are saving.
What idiot called it Adderall instead of Accomplish Mints?
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
I`m so good, I scream my own name out during sex.
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
Baking soda seems like a scam. "Be sure to keep this box of magic white powder in the back of your refrigerator."
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.