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The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
I`m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
No officer, my speech isn`t slurred. I`m just talking in cursive.
there are so many scams on the internet now...... Send me $19.95 an I`ll tell you how you can avoid them
I poured some shampoo over my speakers today and they blew up... So much for EXTRA VOLUME.
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
“People will believe anything if you whisper it.”
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
80% of my status updates are BS, 15% are bologna and 5% are 100% straight from the heart.
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
I have decided to follow my dreams.....starting with that one where I am naked at work.