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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
I`m allergic to stupidity ... which is why I break out in to sarcasm.
Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
Someday you may lose your hair, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose – your good looks, coz you can never lose what you don’t have!
Someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
We should not have trusted anything Charlotte wrote in her web. She was consistently talking out of her ass.
Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!……It’ll take them an hour to pass the salt!
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
News flash! someone just found Carmon Sandiego!
The closest I ever got to murdering is when I held a Oreo cookie in milk until the bubbles stop.
I’m not single and I’m not committed… I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves…
thinks it`ll just be my luck to win the Lottery tonight ...... and the world WILL end tomorrow!