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A Lion would never cheat on his wife.. but a Tiger wood.
363 shopping days `til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.
There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.
And yet another year goes by with People magazine failing to recognize my beauty.
Statistics show the number one cause of failed relationships is opening your mouth and letting words come out.
There`s a lot of perks being a single parent, for one no witnesses.
Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent films.
Good things come to those who wait ... Which explains why I`m always late.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don`t think this relationship is going to work.
It`s like the people in this restroom don`t even want my help unbuttoning their pants. STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Sorry I can`t make it to your party tonight- I have to get up REALLY early tomorrow afternoon.
I don`t know what I would do without Facebook, but I`m sure it would be something more productive
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.
The only solution to a problem is to find the source and Kill it.