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Apparently getting injured while in the KISS Army doesn`t make you eligible for V.A. benefits.
Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
I`m not the type of person you should put on speaker phone
Reminiscing isn’t as fun as it used to be.
I’m pretty much always down for a snack.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."
Even if you don`t pay, they`ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Apparently it`s ok to leash your dog to a bike rack, but it`s illegal to leash your kid to one. Parenting is hard...
UFC is 10% fighting, and 90% advertising the next fight
You think having periods is hard? ... Try being on a 24 hour killstreak on Call of Duty with itchy balls.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.