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Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the smart one
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food, drinks. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere. After that we NEVER played monopoly again.
Money can buy imitation happiness. Iām cool with that.
Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be
Screw love... I`d rather fall in chocolate.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I`m afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Going to the toilet without your phone is like going to war without a gun
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.
funny status idea: a funny and popular one
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug
Anyone who calls it a "day off with the kids"... Either has no kids or doesn`t know what "day off" means.