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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Yes I have a dirty mind ... And you`re on it!
I never make stupid mistakes ... only very clever ones
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.
Sorry, I`m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk... You go that way.
I hate when I`m wearing my apple bottoms jeans and I can`t find boots with the fur.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
God is creative... I mean look at me??
If you use the word "gay" to desrcribe something that is "merry or happy" then you`re gay.
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
drinks well with others.