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Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.
I`d rather be in a relationship where no one wears the pants.
I`ll never understand why single women waste so much time on dating websites when there are so many eligible bachelors right here in this adult bookstore.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
I`d like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I`ll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don`t (you know why).
Coffee keeps me busy until it`s time to be drunk.
That`s a lot of selfies for someone that claims to be emotionally stable
I regret buying that straight jacket now. I thought it would look good on me but I just couldn`t pull it off...
I know she`s talking about rain but I don`t like hearing my mom say she got 6 inches
Make yourself indispensable at work by hiding everything.
My mother said, "You won`t amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
I Don`t Care If you Don`t Like Me .. Iam Not A Facebook Status :D
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.