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They call cat people crazy but they`re not the ones outside at 5AM putting fresh dog poop into little baggies.
Do you really know me or am I just an idea that you`ve built in your head?
The Bible is pretty accurate...Especially when thrown at close range.
I`m really wanting to sit and watch a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I`m starting to think that life isn`t worth living anymore and... Oh wait, there`s the bartender now. Nevermind.
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
At any given time, my wallet is worth more than it’s contents.
I just can’t stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks that I have let down by failing to “stay cool”
only fights if pillows are present.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn`t."
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It`s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."