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I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
I`d hate to be a dragon .....I`d get so pissed tryin to blow out my birthday candles.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
I`m a bad multitasker and even a questionable monotasker
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
I`m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn`t looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
Just read a book on quantum evolution. The idea is that quantum mechanics are involved in the process of evolution. I still say go to WalMart and then try to sell me on evolution....
I never mix business with pleasure, ......unless i call an escort.
My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device. I call it "No air conditioning".
They`re teaching kids that abstinence is 100% more effective in preventing pregnancy than birth control, try telling that one to Jesus`s mother!
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than "he sees how creepy u are, that`s why he doesn`t want to shake your hand".
If two donuts are stuck together it counts as one right?