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You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
Sometimes I post crazy shit just to see if my friend`s list will drop a few #`s
Trying to figure out how to ask a girl on a first date of Netflix and pizza without sounding all serial killery
My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.
It’s only a matter of time until “Security Cameras of Wal-Mart” is a reality TV show.
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
"I" before "E" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"
This day will end with either wine or shopping. Probably both.
Any of you had a friend that borrowed your sh!t and kept it for so long you had to borrow it back..
The person next to me just farted.. Does this mean my lungs are full of his poo particles -.-
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.