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I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.
This is my Facebook status. There are many like it but this one is mine.
My doctor said he`s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
i spend 800% off my life exaggerating
You can’t call them “love handles” if nobody loves you
doesn`t mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed ;)
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
Waldo wears stripes because he doesn`t want to be spotted !
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
The bottle of Pepto Bismol say’s 4 out of every 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one of them enjoys it?
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole bag.
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!