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I know I have a long way to go but look at how far I`ve come.
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
?"I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren`t you wearing pants" look."
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
That awkward moment when you’re laughing so hard, you accidentally hit your head on something..
My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" but I can`t drive a bus.
Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?
That`s disgusting! (unless you`re up for it?)
Roses are red, violets are blue, daisies are white, sunflowers are yellow. This florist has everything.
Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn`t.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...
FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you`ll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally