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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question!!!
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you`re still a child.
Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.
Well, it`s almost the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
To avoid being eaten by Zombies go to "settings", "public", and uncheck the box that says "Facebook users taste like chicken"
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well…my phone number for a start.
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.
What I lack in vocabulary, I make up for in…you know...stuff...and...things...
Here is a thought for all you mind readers out there…
Our kids biggest challenge will be to find a username that`s not already taken.