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Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day I’m just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
2 cops walk into a bar… I don’t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
It may look like I`m doing nothing, but I`m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
For men who think.."A women`s place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that`s where the Knives are kept!
Every day is a constant battle of trying to convince myself I don’t like cookies.
Confession #156: I always prepare myself before stepping on the escalator
Be good ... or I will text Santa
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.