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Any question is a hard hitting question when it`s written on a brick and thrown full force at your face.
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
People assume I’m smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what! Who wants to be in a hurry?!?
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she`s going to get me something.
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
u cant spell awesome without me
If you put Root Beer in a square glass do you get Beer?
Karma may "work" but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You`re totally f*cked this month"