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My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I hate it when Hippos fall on me when walking home from school... :D
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Why is it that the instant I buy new chap stick, the old one magically reappears?
Did 4 push ups & 2 sit ups then ate 4 doughnuts & drank 2 beers. It`s called balance people!
I always tell the person at the drive-thru that they are so much prettier than I pictured them when I was ordering.
For some people, a new year means a new chance to f*ck it up all over again.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
Why do single people take advice from other single people? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company`s Board of Directors.
Going to the toilet without your phone is like going to war without a gun
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...