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For once I’d like to get kicked into a bar
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
People like you remind me how lucky I am that my cell phone provider has a block option! Just sayin.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.
Instead of `What`s on your mind?` Facebook should say `Just relax on the couch and tell me all about your problems. Don`t worry, nobody will know`..
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
is running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.
Next time you`re in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
A friend of mine told me i have to update my self and I asked my self : does he mean there can be a latest version of me?
Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?