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Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.
Stop saying `all the men are the same` who told you to try them all..WHORE!!?¿
What is the difference between a Snow-man & a Snow-lady? Snowballs!
Thank you Pringles for being the only chip company that doesn`t sell air.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I`m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
Just when I think my confidence couldn`t be shakier, some shitty website tells me I have a "Weak Password"
I like candle lit dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and hardcore pornography.
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
My girlfriend left the lights on, on her Smart Car last night. This morning I had to jump start it with my Android.
I`ll admit I`m not perfect but what did the horse I rode in on do?
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.