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Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
The Internet: An electronic version of, "Now, why did I walk into this room?"
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
so far so good.... no unexpected father`s day cards or presents!
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they`re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
People – the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
I can`t tell if I`m really nice but secretly an a$$hole or an a$$hole but secretly really nice.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
I really respect people that don`t drink excessively, gamble, curse, do drugs, spend excessively, act irresponsibly and stay up late. And by "respect" I mean "don`t wanna hang out with"
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.