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When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
I don`t know where the saying "working like a dog" got started but I`m looking at my dogs daily routine feeling pretty jealous myself.
So far today has been a pretty good day...I haven`t had to bite or hit anyone, yet!!
You know that 200-foot high expansion bridge you drove over today? Just remember that it was built by the lowest bidder.
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
I don`t get why people find drunk text annoying
This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. "Nobody like`s your idea"
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?
"I love you unconditionally*." -God *certain terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details.
The point is... Is Imma hug you like a panda nd you`re gunna like it.!(:
I`m just like you ... Only smarter and better looking.