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“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
I have no words to describe this day. I do however have a number of obscene gestures that would work.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 3 or 4 births before they throw you out.
The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
Dear Haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at me for...please be patient.
Adulthood is when 4:30am is early in the morning instead of late at night.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don`t have a little brother...
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Sometimes, you wonder what the hell the music video has to do with the song.
It`s ok to admit when you`re wrong. Just don`t tell anyone.
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
It needs more cowbell!!