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Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
I accidentally ran over my neighbour`s cat........... Nine times....... just in case
I’m sad when my food is over.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Maybe there`s no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy.
To skip any youtube ad just change ‘youtube’ to ‘youtubeskip’ in the url of any video. You’re welcome.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth.
When children shy away, I say, "I don`t bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life`s not easy.
It`s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
"LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can`t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.
Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you`ll love my farts.