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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of "capes in the toilet water" accidents when they went to take a dump.
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
If you can`t think of a word, say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you`re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Sorry for illegally downloading your music, guy who mostly makes songs about doing crime.
The problem with the general public is that it`s made of people.
I don`t know if I`ve got some free time, or if I just forgot what the hell I`m supposed to be doing...
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
My anaconda really doesn`t care if you got buns or not.
I`m not sure how to say this but ... Worcestershire sauce
"Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.
Only a fool trips on what`s behind him.
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.