Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Donβt tell me what to do unless youβre naked.
I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
I accidentally ran over my neighbour`s cat........... Nine times....... just in case
Iβm sad when my food is over.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Maybe there`s no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy.
To skip any youtube ad just change βyoutubeβ to βyoutubeskipβ in the url of any video. Youβre welcome.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth.
When children shy away, I say, "I don`t bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life`s not easy.
It`s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
"LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can`t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.
Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you`ll love my farts.