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You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?
If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.
I had no plans on looking sexy today, but sh!t happens.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
It`s Sunday or as I like to call it, "No pants day".
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.
My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..Apparently "I know" was not the right answer...
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
Having to cash in my State Quarter Collection`s map for gas money is reaching a new low.
I swear July only lasted like 3 minutes
The restraining order doesn`t mean we can`t hangout. It just says I can`t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?
Suddenly I can`t remember if it`s ok to use tampons as Nerf darts or if it`s the other way around.