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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
Question : if you fart at the gym can people wearing headphones still smell it? Asking for a friend
They say in the near future computers will become more intelligent than people, really, the near future? I walk down the street and see girls who struggle with the difference between orange and tanned, guys who have no idea how a belt works, and all of them with less language skills then the average trained chimp. Computers? Hell I’ve got an alarm clock that’s smarter than most of them right now.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it`s like they had those babies for nothing.
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I`ll be a morning person when it`s Christmas.
"Turtle Power" is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
The two major causes of depression are: a) having a job, and b) not having a job.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
NASA has confirmed that December 21, late afternoon, the sky will be very dark. It is an interesting phenomenon called "night".
Don`t get out of bed, it`s a trap.