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If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
I don`t know what`s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.
For men who think.."A women`s place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that`s where the Knives are kept!
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
I was pretty disappointed when my boss said we can`t do throw-back Thursday, or bring tequila shots to work
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
What doesn`t kill you, makes you stronger... except for lions, lions will definitely kill you.
When I`m cleaning my room, 1% cleaning 29% moaning 70% playing with stuff I just found.
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.
Keep up the good work, people who make free porn available.
You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.
I went to the Dr today with severe headaches .. he asked if I suffered from any memory loss. I said "How the F would I know?"