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Exercise? More like extra fries.
Honestly, I`m so awesome that I wish I could meet myself and get my own autograph.
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
The hour that we lose this weekend is the one that I was planning on going to the gym.
Dr. Seuss could have been the greatest rapper ever.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever
I DON`T HATE YOU,I`M JUST NOT NECESSARILY EXCITED ABOUT YOUR EXISTENCE!
If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you`re not doing it right...
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
A child`s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
My favorite thing around the holidays is being put into a group message with 200 people reply "Who`s This"
If I`m in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet
First Ebola case in USA , and the Walking Dead starts next week... brb gonna go buy a crossbow.
iTunes got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.