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Halloween Drinking Game: Drink every-time an Elsa (from Frozen) visits your house.
Of course I talk to myself. I need to have an intelligent conversation every now and then.
What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? There was a DUMBASS who didn`t take it out in time.
I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
After 20 yrs of marriage, my best move is to clean something unexpectedly.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
I’ve got bad news: Today is not Friday, Tomorrow is not Friday, Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.
I`m giving up procrastination for Lent ... starting tomorrow.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I`m like, that`s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I`m more fun than I actually am
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
Some questions just answer themselves. Like, sit-ups or pizza?
That moment when being uncool, is cool
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.