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I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
I enjoy shopping online because at least I don`t have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
There`s no law against twerking...but apparently it`s still frowned upon during jury duty.
Don`t be embarrassed by who you are. Unless you`re stupid. Then you`re pretty much screwed.
wants to come back as a bird after I die.... just so i can sh!t on the people who piss me off.
Commence six months of the clock in my car being wrong.
If the river were beer and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up..
i dont like ling distance relationships so i move the fridge to my room
If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be "bad at following directions."
My relationship is like an iPhone, I don`t have an iPhone.
Copy this and paste it in your status if you know someone, or have heard of someone who knows someone.. If you don´t know anyone, or even if you´ve heard of someone who doesn´t know anyone, then do still copy this. It´s important to spread the message. Oh and the hearts ? ? ? ? For crap´s sake, don´t forget the hearts! ? ? ? ?
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.
My neighbor put the box his fridge came in on the curb for trash pickup. Guess who has a new fort!