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FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that`s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
Beheaded our snowman to let winter know we mean business.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
I go on dates just to remind myself that being single is awesome.
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
Even when Iām home alone, I still answer Jeopardy questions out loud.
Iām in no shape to exercise.
Make yourself indispensable at work by hiding everything.
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.
A 15 year old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.