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Saying the word "awkward" in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it.
What idiot called it "best man" instead of "lord of the rings"
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
People with kids, your posts are all the birth control I need.
Sometime you have to hand it to short people ... because they can`t reach.
If being lazy paid, damn dude I must be a billionaire.
I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry.
"What`s wrong?" "Oh it`s personal" Then, why`d you post it to Facebook.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
Just heard someone pronounce the H in wheel so I`m gonna need a minute
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!
Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things.
So I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending.