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I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.
That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Best of luck explaining why you’re still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn’t.
I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.
I hate it when I`m singing a song and the artist keeps messing up the words.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can`t figure out who`s going to do it.
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling, "help! shark! help! " I just laughed, I knew that shark was not going to help him.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming
No one`s lazier than the guy who came up with the name for Juicy Juice.
I need to learn the rules to make sure I don`t accidently follow them
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
That tenth doctor is a selfish idiot, he never recommends anything!
There`s not much more gratifying than seeing a chick who thinks she`s super hot trip on her high heels.