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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
I hope these environmentally friendly toilets save at least 3x the water because that’s how many times I need to flush.
These spaghetti-o`s taste like I don`t get paid until tomorrow.
I’m in no shape to exercise.
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
is confused. Oh wait, maybe not.
I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.
the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it