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I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
If it doesn`t include antidepressants, they shouldn`t call it a Happy Meal.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
What happens in Vegas never happens to me
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
Do you think we like to sing in the shower because we all love a good soap opera?
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
You’re not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.