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The best nicknames are the ones people don`t know they have.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
Jehovah`s witnesses don`t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don`t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
My salad pic. got more likes than your selfie.
Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
If you don’t like something change it... if you can’t change it....post it on facebook, so we can "like it" and laugh..
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
I hope Breaking Bad ends with Jesse waking up from a dream in the middle of Mr. White`s chemistry class.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
I’m home alone. Time to start my concert.
Of all the possible utensils that could have been invented to eat rice with... How did 2 sticks win out!?
If my walls could talk, they`d probably say "stop running into me you idiot"
I didn`t see anyone important today, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.