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I wrote you this love poem: Here, just take my credit card.
Corduroy pillows?... They`re making headlines!....
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
If your man is reluctant to talk about his feelings, it’s probably because you haven’t told him what they are yet.
I know you`re the instructor but I`ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
Today I am thankful for my family....and this 5th of vodka that helps me deal with them.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!
Bad decisions make good stories.