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I can alwasy tell when movies do not use real dinosaurs
It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" ... He in fact did.
I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
whenever I take my clothes off the shower usually gets turned on
There was a glorious time, before social media, when you would just lose touch with people.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
With so many things coming back in style, I can`t wait until morals and intelligence become a trend again.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you. Knees to Chest, bitch, KNEES TO CHEST!!
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.