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Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
Why do TV shows say "May contain nudity"? It either does or doesn`t. Don`t make me watch the entire thing and find out the hard way it doesn`t....
Should all acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind, should all acquaintance be forgot and somebody refill my wine.
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
The problem with plants is that you have to water them… like more than once apparently.
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said “too ugly to prostitute”
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
I`m starting to think that Dr. Dre isn`t a real doctor after all...
I wish I could get excited as a redneck drinking cheap beer and watching cars go around in circles for hours.
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
Do you women realize how silly you all look with your clothes on?
SAFETY TIP: Lock your doors and windows before bed. By the way, I love what you`ve done with the place.
MARRIAGE TIP: Don`t get fat.
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.