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It may look like I’m in deep thought, but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
Match dot com, but for socks.
Survival rule #1: You go first.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Happy 4th of July ... U can toss out the Christmas tree now
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go? I`m going to need a quick answer for this....
Absolutely is my favourite nothing to do...
Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"