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Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
Next time one of your friends leave their Facebook open, randomly pick one of their friends and like all 973 of their photos.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
I might not be "Smarter Than a 5th Grader", but I can buy booze! Booyah!
Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.
Don`t think I didn`t notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
I`m starting to think that Dr. Dre isn`t a real doctor after all...
If being an a$$hole was a professional sport, my face would be on a box of wheaties.
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up... Clearly I`ve failed to teach him our family`s place in the psychiatric process...
roses are red, violets are blue, god made everyone beautiful, what the hell happened to you?
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.
Every Girls Night Out has at least one crier.