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Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don`t know who`s winning
Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.
Futons are the most disappointing Transformers ever.
I`m concerned my kids will end up in therapy because I didn`t tell everyone on FB how much I love them.
If kindness really kills, you`ll always be completely safe around me.
Facebook is not so bad once you block your family and friends.
I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them?
Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it`s what it`s.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re stupid and make bad decisions.
On a scale of 1-10, I give this day a middle finger.
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me...
Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you`re not hanging out with enough people.