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Going to drink straight from the carton because I`m a badass!
Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. I couldn`t park anywhere near the place
once a homeless guy said to me `Hey you got a dollar` and I said `wow your absolutely right..with psychic powers like that I`m surprised your still homeless` got in my car and left..
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! -Librarians arguing
Pro tip - You can blame anything on autocorrect.
Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.
Im not sure Im comfortable with the fact that there is now a bunch of people in white coats furiously scribbling notes behind a big glass window while im talking to my therapist. Im suppose to just "ignore" them.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won`t eat you. If that doesn`t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]
Looks don’t matter to me if you’re attractive.
College is the only time in which being poor and drunk is acceptable.