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I`m having fruit salad for dinner, well, it`s mostly grapes...crushed grapes ...ok, it`s wine, I`m having wine!
If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
If you were a Pokemon, I`d choose you.
They say `No news is good news,` but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Hoodie Footie Pajamas from Pajamagram; because nothing tells a girl you love her like giving her something to cover up her body from head to toe before she gets in your bed.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.
First you told me to be myself now you`re telling to me not be an idiot. Make up your mind woman!
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don`t stop long enough for you to reply!