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Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
I`ll act my age when I`m 69..
Iām probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.
Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
I retired from being my brothers keeper when I realised that I was letting in goals that wouldn`t have scored if his post was empty
Saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons last night. ..Must be going through a tough period in her life.
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep
This stupid lady is taking forever using her damn coupons for her groceries. All these rolls of pennies are heavy! Hurry up!
Why is it the less money someone makes the better they are at reproducing?
Deep down, we`re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Man, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
This morning someone threw Skittles at me and said "Taste the Rainbow", I ran them over with my car and sang,"Nationwide is on your side"
I`ve accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble pieces.........My next poop could spell trouble.
What are the words I`m looking for? Oh yeah...Eat sh!t and die.