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SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who’s ever used a cell phone will die
Where do homeless people find all these sharpies?
I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Laughter is the best medicine but if you are laughing without any reason, I think you need medicine
I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
Last night I got drunk and ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, f*ck you Pringle`s.
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 10% of battery remaining.
I quit my job with the Dept of Corrections. That place was like a prison...
I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I`m going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
I bought the world`s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it`s terrible.
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.
Reincarnation is my only hope.