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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
It has been brought to my attention that those stick figure decals on vehicles are not "kill" scores, but actually suppose to represent members of the family. I will be removing all my decals to avoid any further confusion.
It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Lots of people waiting in lines today. Did a new iPhone just come out?
I have two moods: sleep is for the weak and sleeping for a week.
I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
Remember, you can always run from your problems. Unless your problem is a Cheetah.....then you`re screwed!
I was pretty disappointed when my boss said we can`t do throw-back Thursday, or bring tequila shots to work
Ahh..Monday, so we meet again ... You dirty bitch!!
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”