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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
My internet went down for about 5 minutes earlier....so I talked to my family.....they seem like nice people!
Have you ever woke up pissed at someone because of something they did in your dream?
If the conversation gets too serious and uncomfortable, take your pants off.
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I`ve decided to start growling.
I just responded to a text message with: I can`t hear you, you`re breaking up.
I’m quite confident that the reason I’m single is because I didn’t forward that chain letter in 2003.
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
don`t kiss the monitor, just ask me nicely..
Donald Trump`s hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.
I believe in the silver rule of life: Do unto others then run!
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
I`m at my most popular when I just want to be alone.
Has anybody seen my keys? they`re awesome.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain`t good.