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People tend to get angry when you treat them the same way they treat you.
"Nineteen letters long" is 19 letters long.
Santa must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during hunting season?
Sorry, I`m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk... You go that way.
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
I wish these people who sing songs on the radio would learn the words to the song, they keep messing me up!!
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
Baby.. I wanna be the reason you need therapy.
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.
My Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.