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My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
That awkward moment when you make a Harry Potter reference and none of your Muggle friends get it.
Sure, Men love funny women. As long as they are pretty...and skinny...and they have a great pair of knockers!!
Starting to believe I`m trouble
I`m going to start looking for the good in all people I meet this year. Except for the a$$holes.
For most things there’s MasterCard For everything else there’s Vodka
Okay kids don`t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger`s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
A 4-way stop is an IQ test you take in public.
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.
"I can`t wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.