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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
Oh, he uses you for sex? Stop bitching…Sex is awesome. Complain when he’s using you for laundry….. or a human shield.
I`m not insulting you, I`m describing you.
One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right? ... Inspirational posts are hard.
Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
When I procrastinate, current me really expects a lot out of future me.
Save time. See it my way.
Sign outside a Drug Rehab Centre: "Keep off the Grass!"
My greatest fear is that PMS is fake and this is my real personality.
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
Neighbors at it again. I do NOT want to know the words to "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus!
*Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won’t.