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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
Hey Samsung and Apple, no need for commercials. We’ve all chosen sides.
I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
Smooth move.........ExLax
I`m not impatient. You`re just slow.
That moment when you are having a conversation in your head and you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.
A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless that medicine is insulin.
I bet wrecking ball operators are some of the happiest people in the world.
I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...
Whenever I get a message that begins with “Hey Stranger” I know I’m about to be asked for a favor by someone I don’t want to help.
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, these are Awesome!"
My daughter said, "You`re the best mommy ever!" I`m really proud that she`s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
I wish I could understand what women with big boobs are saying.
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.