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I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
I wake up every morning with the joy & excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside.
Walmart is one store where it is truly acceptable to shop in your pajamas.
The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.
Ride me like you stole me.
Why isn`t Wendy`s girl fat? You would think that someone who eats so many Baconators, chicken sandwiches and other burgers, would be quite the porker by now.
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
"American Pie" ruined it for any kid that actually does have an amazing story from band camp.
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
Friday Night Inspirational Message: You miss 100% of the shots you don`t drink.
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."