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My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi
Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.
7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse
When in doubt, take a nap.
We always say that our elders are wise, because of their years of experience. But you know what? ... Stupid people get old too.
Judging from my last 5 relationships I am convinced my heart is trying to kill me
I bet strippers look forward to that feeling of getting home and wearing a bra after a long day at work.
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation I’m having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
I´m really bored but too lazy to do anything about it.
That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn`t get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn`t brushed her teeth in forever.