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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
I think on December 21 all the power companies should shut off the power for like 10 minutes just to make people flip out.
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
I am surprised Cheech and Chong have not filmed a new movie -"Cheech and Chong Smoke Colorado"
If you`ve had cats, the singles virus may already be inside you.
Walmart: Because where else in the world can you pay $50 to have your oil changed by someone with a GED, find a sized 46H bra, or run the risk of being filmed live on location with the men and women of law enforcement on your way out the door.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
Wish some of my co workers weren`t allowed in the break room... Because that`s who I usually need a break from.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I`m going to visit.
Thinking " What would happen if the whole world farted at once and a person lit a lighter?"
What are the words I`m looking for? Oh yeah...Eat sh!t and die.
change your birthday on facebook to today, see how many people say happy birthday for APRIL FOOLS!!!! lol
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.