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Live each day like you’re marked for deletion.
You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
If people are what they eat, some people must eat a lot of stupid.
It`s great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don`t feel like listening to people anymore
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
Why do they call a status a status if it already happened? I mean, shouldnt it be called History?
I like confusing kids by telling them I`m older than the internet
Life is hard ... It`s harder if you`re stupid.
love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.
Is it just me, or did anyone else wake up on the SEXY side of the bed this morning?
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.