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I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet. So I have switched to mint Oreos.
Hi, welcome to adulthood! You`ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
I´m playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can´t get off the couch or I´ll die.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
If you have no regrets in life, you clearly have never gone out with me.
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn`t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
looong and hard, yep thats my pencil.
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
Velcro, what a rip-off!
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.