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Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
I never thought I’d be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.
You know it`s way past your bed time when the 1-800-dial-a-hoe commercials come on.
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
I was going to get a lot of stuff done tonight, but I didn`t. Because, you know...beer.
Dear sneeze, If you`re gonna happen, happen. Don`t put a stupid look on my face and leave
My parents preferred my imaginary friend over me.
Awww, look. My middle finger likes you!
“I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others”- The phrase that started Facebook.
The well behaved rarely make history.
I love Christmas presents wrapped in bubble wrap... it`s like two gifts in one!!
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
This day will end with either wine or shopping. Probably both.
I`m honest, so when I say I took a "cat nap" that means that I slept for 18 hours and then pissed on your favorite shirt after I woke up.