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Do not treat a woman like an object. It hates that...
Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes...Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
so far so good.... no unexpected father`s day cards or presents!
Lucky Charms should be 98% Marshmallows and 2% of that other sh*t.
If you see me laughing like a crazy person, think nothing of it ..it`s just the voices in my head telling me jokes!
I know u r but what am I ?
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
REMEMBER: If you start to hear banjos, get the hell outta there!
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.
Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.