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If I had a mood ring on today, it`d be flashing like a disco ball!
I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.
Does eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.
The problem with the general public is that it`s made of people.
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
Don´t wait for the perfect moment. Take the moment and make it perfect.
If you receive an e-mail that says: ``FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS`` Don`t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren`t happy.
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside!
Im so lazy today, I am going to watch fast and furious in slow motion.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
Why do people freak out about dolphins getting caugh in tuna nets? What about the tuna?