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To error is human, to forgive is divine, to keep your damn mouth shut is much appreciated.
It`s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don`t make a right. Tomorrow I`m going to try three.
if money grew of trees, girls would be dating monkeys
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
joined a nudist colony last week ... the first few days were the hardest!
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I`ve been to today that`s had "insufficient funds".
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
"Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches" - I`m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys
And then God said, "Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I`ll give women the power over which to control it."
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever gave a sh!t about you all along!
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"
I think abs are for guys that don`t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.