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I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.
I only drink alcohol because there aren`t enough ways to eat it.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advise.
Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
This headache feels like dumb people
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
Whatever “Estimated Time of Arrival” on the GPS. Challenge accepted.
I`m paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
I want you to know that whatever problems you`re having, I`m here to read about it on Facebook
There better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober.