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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
HA! If you think I`M crazy you should meet ME!
My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...
I see you`re busy. I`ll come back later and ruin your free time.
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
I am the head of this household, and I have my wife`s permission to say so.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else
I`m CDO. It`s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!
How strict is the "I licked it, it`s mine" policy? There`s some things I`ve licked that I don`t want.
I`d like to thanks all the girls for wearing yoga pants. It is the only reason why we`re not complaining about how cold this winter it
Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.