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Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
And, yet another day I’ve gone without using calculus.
Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
You know what the cheapest meat is? Deer balls ... They`re under a buck
"She really does suck!" could be a complement in the porn industry
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
Take my advice, I’m not going to use it.
If you want to see exactly how angry a person can get, tell them to "calm down" when they`re already pissed off.
I just keep telling myself you guys don`t have sex either.
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.
There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.