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You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.
The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.
Jehovah`s Witnesses, Improving my hiding skills since 1974.
So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.
Yo! My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing aggravates them so much. But if you really want to piss them off tell them you will pray for their souls.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to `Brandy from the club` then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.
Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him I’m him from the future.
"Well, now I see how you came up with the word `Microsoft`." -Melinda Gates (on their wedding night)
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
The best part of winter coming is that all the bugs are rotting in hell where they belong.
I`m starting a pay it backward campaign. When I get up to the drive through window I tell them that the car behind me is going to pay for it.