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Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called “fun sized” should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
I wish I had a friend like me
Saw a post stating "taking it one day at a time," so I responded "me too. That`s how days work."
I bet you 20 dollas I`m broke
Ex Girlfriend: Omg! I had a dream about you last night!! Ex Boyfriend: Aww thats so sweet, what happend? Ex Girlfriend: U died :)
You don`t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
If looks could kill, mirrors would be the leading cause of death among ugly people
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
Some people are just pure evil...I should know because I`m one of them.
No. My hair magically got shorter.
If you can`t tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you`re a f***ing idiot.
Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you`ll always be paying way too much out of pocket.
Iam not as THINK as you DRUNK iam!!
My girlfriend is about to do this ice water bucket challenge. She don`t know yet though she`s still in bed