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How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did New Years Eve and at the beginning add the word "stop."
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn`t just "lay in bed and watch TV all day" I traveled very far thank u
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it ... just sayin
It`s like my golf instructor thinks I`m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
Don`t be embarrassed by who you are. Unless you`re stupid. Then you`re pretty much screwed.
You have your whole life to be an a$$hole...are you trying to use it all up in one day?
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
Two heads aren`t better than one if you`re both stupid.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Guys would stay home longer if boobs came in a 30 pack.
If you`re not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you`re probably boring.
Whew, good thing there`s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we`d be in real trouble.