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"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching. -Bfanch
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you`re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
Coffee: fueling you for a job you can`t stand to support a life you never wanted. Tastes good though...
Ever wanna tell someone to shut the f*ck up even when they are not speaking
The most important part of being on a gluten free diet is telling everyone about it.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
that annoying manager who thinks they are god ... you are not ... you are a douche box
I never said "you were stupid" I said "you are stupid", there`s nothing past tense about it!
The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.
Got a new Juicer. Going to Juice all these delicious organic vegetables I got ... then add Vodka ... Don`t judge...
What`s the hold up on making extremely heavy shoes for toddlers so they can`t run around so much?
I`m awesome ... Don`t question it, just deal with it.