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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you`re still a child.
When I was little my dad had me convinced that the Ice Cream truck only played music when it was sold out. Well played Dad, well played.
My plan for today? Same as always: Drink coffee and be sexy.
Curious that it`s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I`m at my most popular when I just want to be alone.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest....
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.