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Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.
What I learned in college 1.Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
If every porkshop was perfect, we wouldn`t have hot dogs.
Common sense is so rare it should be classified as a super power
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
I thinking about how im disgusted by holding a gas pump but yet, I have no problem drinking my beer from a cup that ten other people drank out of, and a backwash covered ping pong ball was just thrown into it after hitting a dirty a$$ garage floor??
I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.
One of these days I’ll realize that leaning forward in my car while accelerating does not make it go any faster.
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.