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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?
I`m always tempted to yell "Kevin!" mid-flight.
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
Decisions decisions ... Guess I`ll drink on it.
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
No way I’m the only one who crosses their fingers, closes their eyes & holds their breath when checking their account balance.
By thigh gap you mean the distance between the KFC and my mouth right.
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
am a bomb technician...anytime you see me running. Try keep it up