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FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.
Don`t bother trying to figure me out...not even the little voices in my head understand me...it`s pointless.
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
I finally stopped caring what other people think ... I hope everyone`s ok with that.
Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
My neighbors listen to some amazing music… whether they like it or not. ;)
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"
When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?