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Health tip: There`s never a `safe` time to shake a teenage boy`s hand. Never.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
Sometimes I wish that I could put my wife on airplane mode.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
POLITICS; from `poly` meaning `many and `Tics` meaning blood-sucking creatures. Just sayin`
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can`t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
I can`t really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I`m your man!
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
Got a new Juicer. Going to Juice all these delicious organic vegetables I got ... then add Vodka ... Don`t judge...
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I`d never be bored again.
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."