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I tried to log in on my ipad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don`t own an ipad. Also, I`m out of vodka.
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they`re going to expire in 2017.
If my girl didn`t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn`t have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
Life is fun! You should get one.
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, these are Awesome!"
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
"That looks interesting. I think I`ll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers
It takes patience to listen.., it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
Depression is wanting to lay down and realizing that you are already laying down.
I`m not perfect. But I am better than you.
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point