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I`m actually a really good driver, when Facebook is down.
I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
It`s never your successful friends posting the inspirational quotes.
I wish we had staff meetings in the garden. The plants would`ve love the fertilizer.
When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
If I ran my legs as much as I did my mouth, I`d be in fantastic shape.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I do not gossip ... I pass things along ... It`s like a public service.
Nothing says `I dont take you seriously` like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
1. OMG will this ever end? 2. OMG will this ever end? 3. OMG will this ever end? - top 3 things on my mind when I`m in a conversation
If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!
Proposing to a woman isn`t like choosing a life-long business partner. It`s more like hiring your own boss.
Rob Stalker for congressman........Stalker....a name you can trust.
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.