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Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract
She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.
All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”
My number one rule to live by is: Don’t die.
I was jogging earlier and...LMAO, I`m sorry...I can`t start a status with such ridiculousness.
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
I bet my road rage will be taken seriously once I get a car.
Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.
Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.
Bicyclists, it`s one thing to hog the road, but it`s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
There are two types of people in this world, those with common sense and those who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves
Whoever said "money doesn`t grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed.
Wow, it`s beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn`t a glare on my screen.