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Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what Iām talking about.
Someone asked me why I use the "F" bomb so much. What the F*ck is an "F" bomb?
I just want to find someone who will love me for exactly who I am pretending to be.
Calm down! I`m not officially late until I actually get there.
watching porn is like finding happiness in other enjoyment.....
This Halloween, the only Candy I`m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
Remember all those times I said "wow, that`s cool!"? What I really meant was, "shut the f*ck up, I hate you."
Don`t mistake my middle finger as an offer.
Juvenile humor My friend David lost his ID. We just call him Dav now. Here`s your sign..................
Do transformers have health insurance or car insurance???
My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I`m Just Napping
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.
I`ve been waiting all winter to complain about the summer heat
Is it just me, or would those movies had been far scarier if they were titled "Monday the 13th"