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"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
My most frequent walk of shame is from one bathroom to the other with the plunger
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you’re nuts.
You don`t look like 200 likes in person
Besides tweeting during this job interview, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
GF: "You`re cute when you`re drunk" Me: "You`re cute when I`m drunk too"
Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.
I don`t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGI Friday`s once a month and glue more sh!t to the wall, no one notices, try it
Settle down homemade play dough parents.
I`m leaving my body to science fiction
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.
I dreamt that was dreaming, and then someone woke me up and told me I was dreaming but it turned out I had only dreamed that so I went back to sleep in my dream, all upset that my dream that I was dreaming was interrupted by another dream....hahahahaha.....whoa, need to lay off the Red Bull.
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at some`s house, I always take a piece home with me.
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.