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Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
You can`t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Give a fish some bread and he`ll eat for a day. Teach a fish to be a flying piranha and he`ll eat for a lifetime.
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
Coffee keeps me busy until it`s time to be drunk.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
You’ll never be as young as you are now.
I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.
The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
Note to self: Thanks for always being there.
The man who created the Thesaurus has died. He`ll be fondly remembered, commemorated, memorialized, recalled and recollected.