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What`s it called when you always have a sweet tooth, but it`s only for booze?
I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
There’s a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.
I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I`m great at pole dancing.
Gift cards are still the best way to say "I`m too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you`ll buy drugs if I give you cash."
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
Sometimes I really think I have my life together...and then I realize my underwear is on inside-out.
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU`RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
When there is nothing to do ... That`s what I do
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.