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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
"Man, you know your bible verses forwards and backwards" - said no one ever
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
I still believe in love. But I also believe in sasquatch, nessy, and that I could win the lottery. So there`s that....
If the Terminator was female the line would have been, “I might be back, I haven’t decided yet.”
This one isnt that funny, keep scrolling.
My sleep number is 151 ... Bacardi 151
Just knowing that I have successfully pissed you off again makes my day.
what is the first thing a homeless person does when he`s on a computer? he searches through the recycle bin
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.
If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45.
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.