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My mother was feeling cold so now I`m wearing a sweater.
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.
Renewed my "Man Card" today, by going out in the cold, drizzly weather to cut firewood. In other news, police are investigating sightings of a chainsaw wielding maniac in the my area. I hope the catch that nut job!
All I`m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
Guys you should never overreact when you hear the words, " The babysitter is late."
A communist joke isn`t funny unless everyone gets it.
So can we just skip to summer now?
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
Every pair of panties can be a thong if your a$$ is big enough.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.