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Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
Sometimes I don`t go big just so I can go home.
I just attempted to wash a paper plate if you wonder how much money I have available.
Heard the local weatherman say, "high in the thirties" & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Stop screaming, lady. All I said was `this is how pornos start`. It`s just elevator talk.
I love how in movies when someone types a really embarrassing secret they always accidentally send it to the whole school, and they also coincidentally have the phone number of everyone.
Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.
I am, have to avoid the leg cramps during sex, years old.
My wife told me her favourite position is when i lay very very still for a few hours........late at night....until the alarm clock goes off in the morning.
My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.
I`m not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
If lemons hand you life, you’re probably dyslexic
When someone tries to tell me they can`t do something, I`m like "you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?"