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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.
A good man can make you feel sexy, strong, and able to take on the world ...Oh sorry ...That`s wine ...Wine does that.
Excessive consumption of alcohol seems like a good idea.
I`m not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
The Internet: 1% information 1% jokes 98% outrage over information and jokes
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there`s a millionaire walking around that invented the pool noodle.
How do some people manage to sit on it and talk out of it at the same time?
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job
Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again, also please forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.
It’s a status….not your diary…
Suddenly I can`t remember if it`s ok to use tampons as Nerf darts or if it`s the other way around.
Just bought a car with the money from my swear jar.