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Women are like bacon: They look good, They smell good, They taste good, And they will kill you slowly.
Life can be like Chess sometimes. I don`t know how to play Chess.
I have thought a lot about it and I am thrilled to announce that I have decided to never die.
Exercise? More like extra fries.
“100 Calorie Packs” roughly translated means “Eat Two or Three of These”
I’m always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
Do you think Santa regrets giving all those bad kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home?
I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.
Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
I`m always right. And when I`m not, I edit Wikipedia.
I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.
I`m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.