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Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t" is not really a good defense in court
If we aren`t supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
No pornhub I do not want to share this video with my friends & family on Facebook
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
The key to a woman`s heart is making her laugh...just make sure she`s not laughing at the size of your junk.
I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie
If you find a four-leaf clover it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f*ck themselves is PRICELESS...!
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
I hate getting paid and being broke all in the same day!! :(
Someone asked an old man: "After 70yrs you still call your wife Darling, Honey and Luv. What`s the secret?"... Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago & I`m scared 2 ask her.
And remember friends, condoms aren`t always protective....my friend was wearing one and he fell down the stairs