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cable TV.... helping us avoid Presidential speeches for nearly four decades
Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I think I`m gonna take a hot shower. Its like a normal shower, but with me in it.
I just don’t want to look back and think “I could’ve eaten that.”
Google was first named, `BackRub`. If they hadn`t changed the name, we`d be saying, `I don`t know, go BackRub it.`
New College Admissions Test ______ not getting into this college: A. Your B. Ur C. You`re D. U`re
Don`t hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
My life is based on a true story
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
What if Justin Bieber is also Miley Cyrus? I mean have you ever seen them in one place at the same time?
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.