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I`d be amazing at life if I was only asked to sit and play on the computer all day.
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
If a girl bangs ten dudes in a year she is a slut. If a guy done he`s gay. Definitely gay.
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
People – the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
You are not stupid, I just think you have bad luck when thinking.
People who go rock climbing: you know you don`t have to, right
I`ve discovered two things today... 1. My cat looks so cute in people clothes. 2. I`m probably going to die alone.
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
The last time I went to a nude beach I got a ticket. The officer said I was applying my sunscreen...Too Fast.
I procrastinate so much I’ll probably put off death and never die.
Please don`t come to my garage sale if you`ve ever let me borrow something.
They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance…. So ladies be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.