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Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
Bring a CD into my car that I "have to hear" and I`ll figure out a way to deploy the passenger side airbags
spank me, its the only way i`ll learn.
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don`t want to look like a dork.
Come on Facebook friends. Be honest with me. Does my butt make my pants look fat?
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the b!tch they claim I am.
Apparently taking a nap does not qualify as "doing some undercover work"