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Guy asked me where a public phone was. I told him 1987.
You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don’t go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.
Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
Having a favorite homeless person is weird, right?
Why doesn’t McDonalds have an order taking microphone on both sides of the car, yet?
If you want to preview of the new iPhone 8 and try it out for free before buying it just look at your iPhone 7 and pretend it cost several hundred dollars more.
"Mary had a little lamb. That`s had." - the wolf
These animal crackers are crap, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.
I like to follow random families around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all their photos.
I don`t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with hope that it might magically solve her problems.
I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.
I can`t wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they`re jerks